i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
