Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
