You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
