i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
40s are totally the cure
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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