I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
