Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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