Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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