No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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