If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I am available for nakedness
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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