i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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