Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
