Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize