I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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