hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
