Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
