With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
