glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I want to be your penis for a week.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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