You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
