I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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