so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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