Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize