I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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