remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
