Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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