Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize