You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
4 words: hood of his car
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize