I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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