her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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