clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just threw up on my dentist
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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