i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
