Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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