At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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