so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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