Betty ford says i'm here all night
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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