Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
