; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
