I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
