Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
