why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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