everyone is single if you try hard enough
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
