I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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