youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
