note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
