Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
