I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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