my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
