Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
