Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
