Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
