If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
