I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
