I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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