if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I need a burrito and a hug.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
