im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize