i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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