Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
