sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
