All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
