now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
