So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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