funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i came on her dog
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I currently don't understand fingers.
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